just a little diddy. about a girl that wished for too much.

sittin here.. its way past midnight..

feelin down cause something happened that just aint right

i wanna talk to you, but you're already asleep

you wanna be here for me, but you cant

i know it makes you feel bad

but that dont change the fact that i still feel sad

so what do you want me to say?

when you say im sorry..

what do you want me to say?

that i'll be alright and everything's okay?

what do you want me to say...

dont worry, its not your fault

i was just hoping.. for a miracle.

layin here willing my phone to ring

hoping it'll be you and you can talk to me

every time i call i get your answering machine

i know i would be fine, if only you could be here

i dry my eyes, but the tears just wont stop

i know you wanna be here for me

but you just cant drop

everything and come running

when im feelin shot

but what do you want me to say?

when you say im sorry

you know im not okay

but i'll say it anyway...

what do you want me to say?

when you say im sorry..

i've told you not to worry..

so what do you want me to say?

just say that everything's alright and i'll be okay

what do you want me to say?

dont you worry, i'll be fine

i tell you i'll be satisfied

knowing you're my miracle..

you're my miracle

that never came...

yeah so i felt like pouring my thoughts out onto a blog today..but OF COURSE another little piss on my rainbow that is life,...myspace is DOWN. fuckin tom.. swear to god i just wanna smack the little smile off your white-boy face. ..its like cmon people you're getting paid for creating a mind numbing website and you can't even keep it up an running.

anyway..well i guess i can go into explicit detail here..since NO ONE reads this.. i guess its safe to say that.

yesterday was my birthday.. and all was going pretty well .. here's a little recap

woke up at 8:40 cause mel called me to tell me happy birthday. ..then woke up and called the 'rents to see when they were coming down.. got ready and all that blah blah blah.. then of course my parents are running kinda late and they wanna jip me out of going to tony roma's for my birthday lunch. and i say no go, we're gonna eat lunch there and that's that. so we go.. and we eat lunch.. and JUST like i said.. it didnt take long..and we didnt miss the doctor's appointment.. cause i knew.. that they wouldnt take us right away at the doctors.. and that it wouldnt take EXTREMELY long to eat at tony's.  so we eat.. and i had invited my cousin rose to come eat with us.. but of course.. she doesnt answer her phone.. and she doesnt come to lunch with me. so ..yeah whatever.. then i go to the doctors .. and i'll be lovely and tell you that i went to the gynocologist. on my birthday.

beautiful right? .. yeah anyway..so yeah everything's fine.. and we leave like an hour later.. and decide to see a movie.. so my cousin calls me and tells me happy birthday ..she had just woken up.. (at 3 pm) .. and asked her if she wanted to go to the movies with us.. and she said no..cause she wasnt ready (even though the movie was like.. an hour away) .. and so whatever..so me and my parents go to the movie (monster house) it was pretty funny ...some clever jokes.. interesting back plot.. then after the movie i called my cousin again and she told me that she was just gonna drop off topo and then go back to her house so she could pick me up.. and well so my parents dropped me off at her house.. and so i was there like at 7 .. oh yeah and this was after my friends called me to tell me they were gonna eat chinese at chinabo, and i suggested that they eat at the mall instead because i didnt want to go to chinabo since i had already eaten.. and was thinking that we could at least like hang out at the mall or have starbucks while they ate or something.. but NO.. they wanted chinabo. so i just told them to call me afterwards because i wasnt gonna go somewhere i didnt want to go on my birthday...

so they went.. and i was at my cousin's house.. and she didnt show up.. my friends called before she did and they went to her house.. and we waited there for a little while.. but nothing she never showed.. so i called and she told me she was eating.. with topo.. and that she would be there in a while.. but my friends wanted to go to a movie.. and so did i. so we decided to go watch you, me, and dupree.. but we ended up going to the wrong damn theater.. so instead of you, me, and dupree ..we were going to wait and watch clerks 2 (which kicked ass by the way).. but i called my cuz to see if she wanted to go to the movie with us (at this point..i hadnt seen her alllll day).. and she said "no ma'am im gonna go out... " ..so she said to call her after the movie..because she was going to stay with me at the ranch..

so after the movie.. i called her..and she told me that instead her and her friends decided to get together at the ranch to party so that i could be there with them.. and then ..after awhile i called again..and she said that they took too long to buy the beer so they couldnt buy any after all..and she was going to look for a place that sells after hours.. but she never called back.. (and this is after im home already..at one o clock in the morning.. i was waiting for her to show up..) and i called her back.. to see if she was on her way.. and she told me. that they couldnt buy anything so her and her friends decided to go to the oasis instead. and she didnt even call to tell me.  ...i know it sounds childish. but i was crushed.

i realized.. that for some time now.. i guess like the last decade of my life.. the big thing that i would look forward to on my birthday.. was my big cousin rose to show up.. and every other birthday she'd show up for a little while and then leave early because she would have to go home.. and i dunno..be with her friends or something.. the last birthday that i can say i remember her being there the whole time.. was when i turned 13. it was a sleep over and she actually stayed. but after that..she would just show up late..and leave early.. this year.. i didnt even see her. she was in town.. but i didnt see her the whole day. and i realize how crushed i was by that. she was supposed to stay with me at the ranch.. and told me that she would call when she got there so i could open the door. .and that she was gonna leave me at work the next morning.. but.. she never showed up.. i stayed up till about three.. and she never showed.. so i fell asleep... and woke up to the sound of a text message... it was her ..telling me to call my cousin marco to take me to work in the morning..because she was barely going to sleep right now..

so she didnt show at all.. all day for my birthday. not once. and sure..she took me to ozzfest as a birthday present.. but cmon... not even half an hour this time? ... not even five minutes. ...her friends were more important.. her man was more important.. her partying was more important... so important.. that she couldnt take a little time out of her day to come see me. so important.. that she didnt even show up to stay the night (she didnt show up at her house either ..so god knows where she stayed).. so important.. that she blew off her responsibility to take me to work (she had already agreed to take me and told my tia that she would) ... so i had to wake up my tia at seven thirty to come and take me..

and of course.. when i really want to talk.. no one answers the phone.. no one is awake.. and so i end my wonderful birthday.. shedding the tears of a crushed girl.

now i really need to work..sayonara.

-clari-

random update for no reason whatsoever..

s'not like anyone reads this shit anyway

but if anyone stumbles across my page

im still alive

just doing it away from all the friends i used to have

sadly

i miss my friends..but its up to them if they want to continue being my friends or not

i understand.

just wish it didnt have to.... okay you know what. this is getting to emo for me.

yeah okay, so im still working at the library in TAMIU..

its boring slave work..but its a paycheck so whatever..

moved to my tia jo ann's house..so im still in laredo..

spend my time reading and writing.. and practicing my vocals

looking to start a band soon

but of course that's still in the planning stages

another new event thats up and coming.. im going to OZZ FEST

fuck yeah.. lol.. well other than that im just here..doing not much >_>..

hanging with my other friends..and family :)

but still missing all the hanging out i used to do before

now its like.hmm.. what do i do?.. who do i call? lol...

then i just end up conceding into the confines of my room/balcony and read.

well if anyone reads this and decides to hit me up.. go ahead..

-clari-

transferred over to myspace...

holy fuck i havent updated this page in a fucking long ass time.

why? ..well lately i've been a little busy... and saying a little... doesnt really do it justice.. but anyway..i have a myspace account now... and i know i know..its all cliche and wayy to faddy and popular...but aside from all the hype about meeting people and shit.. i only have pretty much the friends i already knew on there... and also..they have more features so its okay..

anyway..i havent updated in a fuck ass long time... and if ANYONE reads this..

then this is basically what's happened in the last couple of days... i had long talks with  myself, my cousin and my friends, and i've been feeling a little trapped... and a little like my life is going nowhere but to its predetermined position as david's girlfriend/wife blah blah blah....

and you know..it may sound lame to some of you.. but its not.  i  want to do something with my life... i want to travel the world.. i want to date an asian guy >_> ... i want to bungee jump or sky dive... i want to ride many a rollercoaster... i want to go to many a concert... i want to live in the northern part of the united states... i want to go to japan and stay there for a few months with my friends christy and daniela, i want to sing, i want to write, i want to earn the things that i'll enjoy in the future... and none of that would get done if i accept the fate that was handed to me by my boyfriend... now ex boyfriend.

yeah that's right... we're no longer together. i just didnt feelt it anymore.. or couldnt feel it rather... because of all the things that i know i'd never get to do if i just stayed as his girlfriend ....and i said..i dont want to lie anymore.. . and i dont want to deny myself of the things that i want...

it wouldnt have been fair to both of us... he deserves someone that loves him as much as he loves them.. and i deserve to be the traveling successful woman i aspire to be.

you can think im a bitch..i dont mind and dont deny it. i just want to maintain my individuality before i mesh my soul with someone else's for the rest of my life.

and if you guys still want to hang out... then give me a ring..

oh yeah..and sorry i yelled at you all ...on easter... that was pretty bitch of me. but we're all tired of the bickering you guys do ..it makes us uncomfortable... and calling what you guys do bickering, is being nice. you guys fucking brawl or something ... anyway .. just i guess try and work that out... when we're not there... cause it makes us all feel weird..

i dont bring my problems on everyone.. because no one needs the extra drama in their life..  but anyway...sorry about that..i didnt mean to yell so loud.. i was just mad cause i wanted my stomach to stop churning with acid. *that's what happens when im uncomfortable or something* ...

whatever.

-clari